on peace and becoming ourselves

 
No-makeup, natural-hair, no-filters selfie in honor of learning to become myself. I'm even still in my pj's, 'cause (duh) Saturday.

No-makeup, natural-hair, no-filters selfie in honor of learning to become myself. I'm even still in my pj's, 'cause (duh) Saturday.

 

So. Here we are, nearly two weeks into 2018, and I have not set any resolutions for the new year. But, really, that's not a revelation. I haven't set resolutions the last several years. What is new is that I have also not set any intentions, written any goals, or decided on a word for the year.

Around the end of December, I almost always get to thinking about my Core Desired Feelings. And I did this year too ... sort of. I didn't do any notecarding (gasp) or journaling (double gasp) or anything. I ruminated, in a sort of vague way, on the one feeling that always seems to be my proverbial Holy Grail of feelings: peace.

Peace.

I have a vision of a self, not too far in the future, who is calm, collected. She never overreacts. In my mind, that not-too-distant self always has a half-smile on her face no matter the circumstances, and she speaks in a sort of breathy voice. She moves as if she's dancing or like she's in a slow-motion montage of a film. She's graceful and zenned right the f— out.

And you know? I think I'm finally at a stage where I'm recognizing that that person is just not me. I will never be breathy or graceful or feel my emotions quietly. My "zen" rarely looks like that. My zen looks ... big.

I talk loud. I don't just talk with my hands — I flail pretty much all my appendages animatedly when I speak. And I get riled up. I'm a passionate being. I have my 'vices'. What's more, I enjoy having them. I also like provoking other people and playing devil's advocate; I'm contrary for the fun of it. I curse. I say dude a whole lot. I'm lazy ... and obsessive. I'm predictable ... and whimsical. I am passionate and stubborn and change my mind ... over and over and over again.

Because I am human. And more than that, I am me. I am me! I! am! me!

I have the privilege of being myself, and that privilege bestows upon me the responsibility to be as myself as I possibly can. To take advantage of every last divinely given quirk and foible. Not to waste myself on striving to be something I think is 'more' or 'better' than who I am.

I think I am finally realizing that this vision I have of what it would feel like to be a peaceful Jessica is a lie. Because I have felt peace in my life. I know what it feels like.

I feel peace when I'm myself: when I'm singing along with '90s tunes that remind me of my childhood; when I'm knee-deep in a good philosophical conversation and arguing a point that I don't necessarily believe; when I wear all black, even in the summer; when I'm curled up at home on the couch with a book instead of at some social event; when I'm complaining about society-at-large's bad taste in movies; when I'm doing nothing all day but playing video games with my husband; when I'm staying up way too late just because I feel creative (like now, heyyy!); when I'm not wearing any makeup and my hair's air-dried and natural-wavy; when I'm listening to records by candlelight.

After every single one of these things, I want to put a caveat, like "even though it could come across as affected" or "even though I shouldn't want to do it" or "even though it offends some people". Every one of these things is something I have, at some point or another, thought was bad or wrong, that doing them means I'm immature or unwomanly or unattractive. But the fear is always about how I think others might perceive me; it's never about how I actually feel.

When I'm myself, when I give myself permission to be myself, that's my peace. I'm learning to reconcile all the parts of myself to myself, and that's my path towards peace. I am learning to become myself.

I am learning that my healing doesn't look like the self-help gurus and the blogs and the books say. My healing looks like learning to be radically, honestly, rawfully (what, I just made that word up, it works) me, as I am, as I like being.

Random aside: This reminds me of a line from that show True Detective. You ever seen it? Marty (Woody Harrelson) asks Rust (Matthew McConaughey) to "stop saying odd shit." And Rust just squints at him and says, "Given how long it's taken me to reconcile my nature, I can't figure I'd forego it on your account."

May we never forego our natures on anyone else's account.
 

Sat, Jan 13 ・ Published in The Madness in the Method

 

the fierceness of the lioness

Our relationships are poisoned by the failure of both men and women to realize that in each of us a lion roars. We do not yet recognize that the fierceness of the lioness is as right and beautiful as the roar of the lion. Humans are the only species in which the female is made wrong for showing she is pissed.

Marianne Williamson
A Woman's Worth
 

Thu, Dec 21 ・ Published in Catalysts
Tagged: book: "A Woman's Worth"

what good is freedom?

Although we enjoy extensive political freedom in this country [the USA], most of us have severely limited emotional and psychological freedom. They have been all but capped by the time we are five years old, by so many voices telling us what we can and cannot do. What good is having freedom when we don't know how to access it, how to give ourselves permission to use it?

Marianne Williamson
A Woman's Worth
 

Wed, Dec 20 ・ Published in Catalysts
Tagged: book: "A Woman's Worth"

we have taught children to allow others to determine their lives

Starting with parents and then our educational system, we have taught children repeatedly that they are not the power centers of their own lives. We train them into a kind of slavery, by teaching them the ways of those who let other people determine what their lives will be, what their options will be, and how they can serve a system outside themselves.

Marianne Williamson
A Woman's Worth
 

Tue, Dec 19 ・ Published in Catalysts
Tagged: book: "A Woman's Worth"

we seek love but leave love out

Everywhere we look we are presented with the idea that men toy with women, women toy with men — that's just the way things are; it's the way of love. But that is not the way of love; it's the way of lovelessness. How often we seek love but leave love out. We don't think about being kind and caring, we think about how we can hook a man.

Marianne Williamson
A Woman's Worth
 

Mon, Dec 18 ・ Published in Catalysts
Tagged: book: "A Woman's Worth"

relationships don't feel good. we do.

We expect love affairs to always feel good. They don't. Actually, relationships don't feel good anyway. We feel good. Unless we are centered within ourselves, we cannot blame a relationship for throwing us off. No man can convince a woman she's wonderful, but is she already believes she is, his agreement can resonate and bring her joy.

Marianne Williamson
A Woman's Worth
 

Sun, Dec 17 ・ Published in Catalysts
Tagged: book: "A Woman's Worth"

wounded love, healing and being healed

The search for [a partner] who isn't in pain is unreasonable until we ourselves are healed of our own dysfunctions. Until then, we will be led to people as wounded as we are in order that we might heal and be healed together. What this means is that no partner can save us, deliver us, or give meaning to our lives. The source of our salvation, deliverance, and meaning is within us.

Marianne Williamson
A Woman's Worth
 

Sat, Dec 16 ・ Published in Catalysts
Tagged: book: "A Woman's Worth"