it's my way
Before I began to wake up, I thought I knew what my way was. I thought I knew myself. I thought I was this independent person, this hidden rebel, this free spirit. I thought I was sooo above the societal expectations and the herd mentality and the pop culture influences.
Waking up, for me, meant having to face some harsh realities about myself, number one being I genuinely had no idea what I was 'allowed' to like and not like as a modern woman. Translation: I had no idea how I actually felt about anything important.
I had bought into the biggest lie of all: I thought I was being myself because of the few little socially-acceptable quirks I gave myself permission to express, and all the while … not only was I following the script to the letter, I was totally emotionally invested in it.
So when I got married to my fella, my catalyst blind-sided me. I had thought marriage would save me. Not literally, of course — emotionally.
I thought marriage would validate our relationship somehow, would make me feel secure for the first time in my life, would finally make me feel like an adult, a woman, a queen in her own castle. But I was just a little girl in psychological rags trying to write herself into an inherited idea of happily-ever-after.
(What I have since learned: only patriarchy sees marriage as this kind of 'ultimate fulfillment' for a woman.)
I was finally facing the fact that I had never learned to be okay with myself, to trust myself, to actually really seriously know myself, much less how to be myself. And that meant I had to start breaking down all the things I thought I'd thought ... and believed and known and valued and felt ... and begin look to myself as a woman whose own feelings provide knowing, whose knowing provides experience, and whose experience is v a l i d.
Do you trust yourself? Do you know yourself? Do you see and acknowledge and embody and experience yourself? You can, you know. You don't need anyone's permission or validation.
That is our way.