personal journal

instinct-injured women

Instinct-Injured Women

Too much domestication breeds out strong and basic impulses to play, relate, cope, rove, commune, and so forth. When a woman agrees to become too “well-bred” her instincts for these impulses drop down into her darkest unconscious … She is said then to be instinct-injured.

Clarissa Pinkola Estes
Women Who Run With the Wolves


many women are instinct-injured.
they literally cannot see that things can be any different.

it’s easy to feel angry at them.
and it’s easy to want to expect ‘better’ of them.

but we will never reach them with anger, blame, or shame.
some, we will simply never reach. ever.
(that‘s a bitter pill to swallow.)

i feel such grief for women.
in so many ways, we are in such an unwinnable situation.
we’re damned if we do, damned if we don’t.

i feel such compassion for these women.
for many, it’s a matter of emotional survival.
a matter of love, approval, security.
this f—ed up system has stockholm sydromed them.

and then there’s the issue of ...
no woman is obligated to think how i think
or believe what i believe.
if i want this freedom, i have to allow it in others, too.

most of all ...
women have to stop blaming women.
we, most of us, so many of us ...
are doing the best we can.

i see you doing the best you can.
keep doing your own work.
that’s all any of us can do.


See Also: book: "Women Who Run With the Wolves"
writer: Clarissa Pinkola Estes

what does becoming fully human look like for me?

What Does Becoming Fully Human Look Like for Me?

so this is what has led me, after these many months, to this point where I'm at now: to this belief about what the soul is here for, which is
to express (and test) a hypothesis that the cosmos has about itself.

in other words, I am here, now, as this human because 'I' very expressly, particularly, specifically wanted to learn* something about human existence that I could only possibly experience as
this expression,
this incarnation.

and so this question, then, follows:

what does becoming fully human look like for me
as the unique expression that I am?


* 'learn' is not the right word here, but neither is 'experience'. i think it's closer to something of a hybrid between the two, but whatever that word or term is eludes me.

things I wish I could go back and tell myself

Things I Wish I Could Go Back and Tell Myself
at the Start of This Journey


Dear Awakening Woman,

You are seeking, searching, striving for answers to a question about what womanhood is, what it means, what it looks and feels like when a woman is ‘natural’ — unrestrained and unprocessed by patriarchy. For all intents and purposes, these answers you seek do not exist. There are no answers to find. There are only answers to live.

You will feel outraged, betrayed, foolish for being so naive. You will learn things that will blow your mind and crush your spirit. You will wonder how there is any way to change patterns that have thousands of years of heft behind them. You will sometimes wish you could unknow what you have come to be aware of, that you could unawaken from the world you now see.

My love, I wish I could tell you that the way out is through, but the truth is: there is no ‘out.’ This is the culture we have inherited and for better or worse the world we live in, so please, please, please just do your best to be here in it. To be present for it. To be engaged with it.

Know, too, that your ‘best’ will look different on different days. Give yourself the grace to acknowledge yourself for doing your best even when it doesn’t feel like enough, and give yourself the motivation to do better when you know you haven’t leaned in as much as you could. Be gentle, but be fierce.

If I were given the opportunity to bring you forward in time, to skip the coming years and arrive here where I am now, I hope you can understand why I wouldn't take it. I wouldn't, for anything in the world, spare you the opportunity you have now to learn everything you will exactly the way I did: one day, one shock, one heartbreak, one fluttering open of the eyes at a time.

Above all, in the moments when you feel ten thousand miles and at least a few dimensional planes away from the nearest woman, remember that while the way you are experiencing your awakening is unique, the fact that you are awakening is not.

You are not alone. Far from it. You are in such good company.